Something funny to share...

topic posted Thu, January 24, 2008 - 10:00 AM by  Pewter
Have a good joke that you just heard or a funny story that youi want to share with the rest of us? Please feel free to post it in this thread...

My first story falls under the category of some people being stupid to the point of it becoming hilarious.

Deer Crossing: (from Kingman , KS)

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:

"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

Unbelievable...

Have a great day,
Pewter
posted by:
Pewter
  • Re: Something funny to share...

    Thu, January 24, 2008 - 11:33 AM
    I know what you mean man. I recently got a part time job in a local resturaunt and some lady called in to ask if our fat-free ranch dressing was fat free.

    I hung up on her.
  • Re: Something funny to share...

    Thu, January 24, 2008 - 11:49 AM
    • Re: Something funny to share...

      Thu, January 24, 2008 - 1:17 PM
      I wonder how many bottles had to be emptied before somebody came up with that genius plan.
      • Re: Something funny to share...

        Thu, January 24, 2008 - 1:20 PM
        4 people known to be there and only 9 open bottles in the photo. I really hope it took more drinks than that to think it was a good idea.
        • Re: Something funny to share...

          Thu, January 24, 2008 - 1:42 PM
          You always hope that in a photo like that that they just staged it as a gag...

          Is there some reason that having it next to the pool wouldn't have worked just as well?

          Geez...
          • Re: Something funny to share...

            Thu, January 24, 2008 - 1:53 PM
            "You always hope that in a photo like that that they just staged it as a gag..."

            You hope but sometimes people are just that dumb. :)
            • Re: Something funny to share...

              Thu, January 24, 2008 - 7:27 PM
              Hmmm ... someone going for a Darwin Award nomination perhaps?
              • Re: Something funny to share...

                Fri, January 25, 2008 - 11:26 AM
                Here is one where you have to feel sorry for the child involved...

                Toxicology:

                I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
                happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

                Sheesh...
                • Re: Something funny to share...

                  Fri, January 25, 2008 - 11:29 AM
                  And since that last one was sorta morbid IMHO...

                  Bank Robbery:

                  A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
                  the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
                  line back at Bank of America.
  • Re: Something funny to share...

    Fri, January 25, 2008 - 11:44 AM
    www.youtube.com/watch

    Not conducive to work or youngins.
    But damn funny.
    • Re: Something funny to share...

      Fri, January 25, 2008 - 4:36 PM
      With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
      moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
      almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie
      Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his
      family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the
      trouble started.
      • Re: Something funny to share...

        Mon, January 28, 2008 - 5:21 AM
        "They put his left leg in. And then the
        trouble started. "

        Excellent...
        • Re: Something funny to share...

          Mon, January 28, 2008 - 5:24 AM
          Boeing Theft:

          Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
          • Re: Something funny to share...

            Mon, January 28, 2008 - 11:45 AM
            Don't mess with kids......

            A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

            The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

            Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

            The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

            The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

            The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


            A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

            As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

            The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

            The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

            Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


            A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

            Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


            One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in
            contrast on her brunette head.

            She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

            Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

            The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'


            The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

            'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

            A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


            A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

            ‘Yes,' the class said.

            'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

            A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


            The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

            Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

            A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
            • Re: Something funny to share...

              Mon, January 28, 2008 - 12:30 PM
              There was an aging couple that had been married for 50 years. One day the wife became ill. Her husband took her to the doctors and the new was not good. The woman was dying. Over the next couple weeks her husband wached over her and cared for here as best he could.

              One day while he was putting some things away he came across a shoe box that his wife had made him promise never to open, shortly after they were married. He had always honored this but decided to bring it up with his wife since she did not have long to live. He asked his wife about it and she agreed that it was time he knew. She asked him to get the box and bring it to the bed.

              The husband brought the box and handed it to his wife. She opened the box and took out 2 hand made dolls and $96,000 dollars. The husband asked what are the dolls? His wif replied, "My mother told me, when we got married, that I should make a doll evertime you did something that made me mad with you. She said this would help keep the peace."

              The husbands heart filled with joy and love for his wife. She had only been mad at him twice in these 50 years. Then he asked, "What about the $96,000. Where did you get that kind of money."

              His wife replied, "I made that money selling the dolls I made."
              • Re: Something funny to share...

                Wed, January 30, 2008 - 7:36 AM
                A cute saying I saw today...

                "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you!!"
                • Re: Something funny to share...

                  Thu, February 7, 2008 - 10:23 AM
                  A Day in Court

                  After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 4 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.

                  "Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him. After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court." "We find the defendant NOT
                  GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," announced the foreman.

                  The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So, what do you think about that?" The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.

                    Re: Something funny to share...

                    Thu, February 7, 2008 - 2:07 PM
                    From an email today...

                    To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters
                    or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

                    NONE OF THAT **** WORKED!

                    For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate,
                    movie tickets, gasoline vouchers or airline tickets instead.

                    Thank you!
  • Re: Something funny to share...

    Wed, February 13, 2008 - 12:48 PM
    Five year olds logic.....

    In kindegarden a teacher asked if the kids knew the meaning of the saying "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

    One child responded, "Doctors are sent by god and apples are forbiden so doctors will not help people that eat apples because they are evil."

    The teacher asked where the child got this idea and the child responded, "The bible told me so."
    ------------------------

    My take on this is, if you have a bible and your child thinks it is talking to them, put them in an institution so they do not grow up to run for President.

    Second thought is the child is a lier and their parent is a wack job that fed them this kind of bull because they did not want to pay the high price for fresh fruit. Or the parent is just a wack job that really believes that this is what the bible says and should have the child taken away.
    • Re: Something funny to share...

      Wed, February 13, 2008 - 1:14 PM
      i always thought it was...
      an apple a day keeps the doctor away... if you've got a really good arm and a wicked aim...
      : )
      • Re: Something funny to share...

        Thu, February 14, 2008 - 9:51 AM
        Going back to stupid criminals - I have a true story for y'all.

        My father is a leutenant for the local police department. He has his own cruiser, and he also always carries at least one gun as per his duties. (He's a bit of a gun enthusiast.)

        Several years ago, he was off duty, taking his garbage out to the curb in his thermal underwear and hoodie. The cruiser was parked behind the house, but still clearly able to be seen from the driveway. Two young hoodlums came up to him, shoved a sawed off shotgun in his belly, and asked for his wallet. My father instinctively pulled out his Glock (yes, from his thermal underwear). He shot the armed kid in the ass and had him arrested. The other one ran away and was caught later.

        Why this kid was a total idiot -

        1. When the public defender went to see the kid, a 17 year old gang banger dropout, in the hospital, the first thing he said was "How was I supposed to know he was a cop?" As if the cruiser wasn't evidence enough.

        2. On closer inspection of the kid's shotgun, they saw that it was indeed loaded, but he had tied a string around it so he could sling it over his shoulder. The knot was located directly behind the trigger, keeping the kid from being able to use it even if he wanted to.

        3. While he had been robbing people at their curbs on trash day previously, it was discovered that his last attempt was an old lady, who looked at him quizzically and said "Do you really think I bring my wallet to the trash can, dumbass?" and walked away.

        4. Once in court, the kid's arrest and detention record showed that he had just been released from juvie for getting shot in the ass holding someone up at their trash can. At least now he has matching dimples.
        • Re: Something funny to share...

          Thu, February 14, 2008 - 10:48 AM
          "At least now he has matching dimples. "

          Funny in a very, very, sad way. Thanks for sharing that! I'm gonna pass it along if you don't mind?
          • Re: Something funny to share...

            Fri, February 15, 2008 - 8:42 AM
            From another forum...

            For your amusement...

            Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .

            1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

            2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

            3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

            4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

            5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

            6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Smuggling Diamonds'

            7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

            8 . Don't use any punctuation

            9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

            10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

            11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

            12. Sing Along At The Opera.

            13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

            14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

            15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party> Because You're Not In The Mood.

            16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

            17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

            18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

            19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

            EVeryone have a great weekend!
            • Re: Something funny to share...

              Sat, February 16, 2008 - 8:38 PM
              One day while in line at a grocery store behind two teenage girls with their hair dyed several pastel shades the older man in line behind me asked if, "I'd ever seen anything crazier".

              I looked at him holding his three cartons of cigarettes and breathing through his tobacco stained trech tube and had to laugh that, "I hadn't."
            • Re: Something funny to share...

              Thu, May 8, 2008 - 5:28 PM
              :13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

              I've done this! I had a poetess coworker who was appearing on a local literary radio program. We made a big deal out of it, and recorded it on cassette for people that weren't going to be in town.

              The day after the program I approached her desk with a sad and compassionate expression. Put my palm over the back of her and said. "I heard you show. And.... I'm sorry honey, but none of those poems rhymed!"

              Brought the house down with that one.:-)